How to Navigate Sibling Rivalry With Grace

“Mom, he took my toy!”

“No, I didn’t, it’s my toy!”

“No! I had it first!”

If you have more than one kid, there is a high likelihood that you have heard this before.

Ah, yes, this familiar tune is often set to repeat on the playlist of motherhood. The good news is that sibling rivalry is completely normal, albeit flustering and with often inconvenient timing.

Below are some tips for handling sibling rivalry with patience and peace. It is important to remember that we can seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance in fostering a loving and harmonious home.

Family Time

The bottom line in sibling rivalry is that children feel the need to compete for their parent’s attention. Spending time with your children individually lets them know they are special to you. It is also equally important to spend quality time together as a whole group.

For example, one of our boys loves to play card games, and another enjoys art and playing games that he makes up using his imagination. Those are our 8- and 6-year-olds. It sounds simple, but I find spending a little bit of fun time with them separately doing things they enjoy usually means they play well together for the rest of the day.

I think the scenario above works for two reasons. First, they get one-on-one time with me, and second, they have some time to do an activity solo, which gives them a small break from each other.

Meanwhile, our 14-year-old loves to read. We have this in common, so we tend to spend a little time during the day telling each other what is going on in our respective stories. Being so much older, I don’t feel he experiences sibling rivalry per se. However, he has more responsibilities than them, so I like to ensure he knows he is loved and important, too.

Additionally, we have intentional, tech-free family time once a week. Each week, a different family member gets to pick a meal, game, and movie that we all get to enjoy together.

During these moments, my husband and I model appropriate interactions as we speak with each other and them. Also, kids see kindness, cooperation, turn-taking, and compromise in an organic way while having fun together.

This reminds me of Ephesians 6:4 (NIV), as we are modeling rather than drilling the children in how the Lord wants us to treat others.

Keep Your Cool

Learning how to keep your cool helps to model appropriate reactions to the children and assists in calming an already highly emotional situation. However, this is easier said than done.

I fail at this a lot. It is hard when you have all the noise and chaos in your ears and directed at you for resolution. Any stay-at-home parent will tell you that multiple situations daily are the norm.

When You Lose Your Cool – Make it Right

Here’s the thing: when we get it wrong, when we make a mistake, speak harshly, or yell, whether at our spouse or even one of the kids, we inadvertently create two additional opportunities for the growth and training of our kiddos.

What are those two opportunities? One, take the steps to make it right. Apologize and talk about how you could have handled the situation differently. This also opens the door for when the kids fight with each other. We can sit down with them and talk about how they handled the situation and how they could have handled their reactions differently.

Secondly, tomorrow is another day to practice. Lamentations 3:22-23 (NIV) reminds us of this grace from the Holy Spirit. “Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

I like that we can feel comforted by this on those days as adults when we get things wrong. I love that we can use this scripture to extend that grace and compassion to our children.

Seeking Patience

This parenting gig is not for the faint of heart. It requires patience at levels one never imagined possible, let alone necessary, during those carefree days of our youth. The comfort for us as Christian parents is that we are not in that trench alone.

James 1:3-4 (NIV) says, “Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” I find this scripture very helpful when I think about my motherhood journey.

It is easy to feel mom guilt, and when the children conflict with one another, the thought process can lead to blaming myself, feeling like I failed, and all those other things mamas often feel shamed for.

But then, I remember that scripture and the importance of faith and perseverance, and I remember that I can finish my work with those qualities through God. If we keep faith and truck along, the destination for us and our children is a state of maturity and completion. God promises it.

Navigating With Grace

Young children must learn how to handle disagreements. Often, sibling interactions are the first opportunities for this. It is our charge as parents to model what that looks like, coach them, and allow them a safe space to practice those necessary skills. I found excellent additional tips and resources to help parents foster positive relationships between siblings at Cleveland Clinic and Focus on the Family.

In closing, reading Bible stories and participating in Bible study can help reinforce the concepts of treating others, including our siblings, with Christ-like love.

Relying on the Holy Spirit for guidance in this area is paramount to gracefully navigating sibling rivalry while cultivating patience and peace in the home. Keep in mind Psalm 78:7 (NIV), as when we teach children how God wants them to treat others, they will remember.

And on those days that you may feel worn down, return to the book of Psalms, particularly Psalm 29:11 (NIV), which says, “The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.”

God is with us through the journey of parenting and promises to give us strength and bless us with peace, especially when we are teaching our babies how to love like Him.