How to Deal With Rebellion in Your Teen

Parents often view the teen years with wariness, if not complete fear. We fear hormones and testosterone, independence, attitude and rebellion. After all, when a toddler rebels, you still have control.

But a teenager who is your same size and has car keys and possibly their source of income? That can be a different matter altogether.

If you find yourself battling a rebellious teen, how can you move forward with love and discipline in this unique stage?

The key is to remain rooted in Christ’s love and to look to biblical principles in all your dealings with your rebellious teen.

It’s important to remember that we are all born rebels. If we put all the blame on the teenage years, it will be tempting to wait for the phase to pass simply. Rebellion lies within all of our hearts but manifests itself in different ways during different seasons.

As a parent, the teen years may result in a lot of that rebellion seeming to be aimed at you. Keep in mind, however, that rebellion against you is simply rebellion against God and His plan. Do your best to avoid taking anything personally.

The Balance

Love and discipline are required in all stages of parenting, including the teen years. You may think your six-foot teen son with the mustache isn’t in need of love simply because he won’t fit in your lap for snuggles anymore, but that isn’t true.

Make it your goal to find out what expressions of love speak to your teen and then become an expert in those. Snacks, late-night chats, a trip to the coffee shop, a new outfit, or a one-on-one movie night are all ways to show your teen you love them.

Loving them in the midst of rebellion can be difficult, but our love should not be attached to their behavior.

Continue to treat your teen with love and respect despite the difficulties. This means you cannot fight fire with fire. You cannot snap back a sassy retort to their sarcasm or disrespect. As a parent, you must practice self-control. Remember the words of Ephesians 4:29 (ESV), “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”

While you don’t withhold your love, you may have to withhold other things. Find the currency that speaks to your teens and use it when necessary, always being sure that they know your desire is not to inflict pain but to restore the relationship between them and Christ, as well as them and the rest of the family.

It is not uncommon for teens to resist the habits and practices of their parents as they begin to shape their own identity. It should never be that we want our children to be just like us but rather that we want them to be just like Jesus.

Taking things away is often more effective than imposing punishment in the form of chores or activities since a rebellious teen may simply refuse to comply. Consider where you possess absolute control and center your discipline in that area to ensure effectiveness.

You can use this same currency to spur them on to actions that will help them even if they don’t realize it. If they want the car keys, they must read a chapter in a book of your choosing or find scriptures that talk about a topic they are dealing with. Get creative with their age and stage.

If this sounds like a seesaw—it is. Your emotions may begin to feel just as unbalanced as before but keep going. Don’t allow the teeter-totter to stop on one side. Continue in discipline and continue in love.

Rooted in Biblical Principles

I have a “Wise Words for Moms” chart on my wall filled with scriptures that apply to various wrong behaviors in children. This chart, created by Ginger Hubbard, is designed to help you get to the heart of your children’s rebellion. While it was created with younger children in mind, the same concept is necessary for rebellious teens.

In fact, you may want to thank God for an openly rebellious teen because it is so much easier to see their heart issues.

Using scripture to support every stance you take is an effective tool in parenting teens. Teenagers want to have their way, forge their path and discover their own identity. Resistance feels personal to them. By using scripture instead of lectures, you can displace their anger.

One family I know shared that when their teens wanted to do something that they disapproved of, they would ask them to look at what the scripture said and then come and tell them what they had learned.

This shifted the blame away from the parents. Instead of the parents being the reason the child could or could not do something, it was God’s Word.

They found it was a lot harder for their teens to rebel against the clear teaching of scripture than to rebel against what they thought were their parents’ unreasonable rules.

Teaching teens to go to God’s Word for truth is an important step in their development. The same can be true for their doubts. When they have a question or doubt, show them what God’s Word says and teach them to compare scripture to scripture.

This allows them to begin making choices on their own. If they feel they are the ones choosing the behavior, they will be challenged actually to evaluate their own decisions.

Many parenting books help in this season, but never forget that “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work” (2 Timothy 3:16-17, NIV).

Use God’s Word with your children, specifically the wisdom literature, and help them learn to master themselves rather than simply being mastered by you.

Perseverance

I purchased a cherry tree the other day and was dismayed when the nursery attendant told me it could take five to ten years for the tree to bear any fruit worth eating. I planted it anyway and watered it carefully, only to have deer eat all the leaves off a week later.

Parenting is much the same way. We spend so much time cultivating and caring, and then along come the teen years, and it seems as though something has eaten all the leaves that were beginning to show. However, the roots are still there, and the trunk is still standing, so do not stop watering.

Corinthians 3:7 (NIV) reminds us of this when it says, “So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow”.

Don’t lose heart, no matter how dreary the outcome appears. God is in charge of the outcome. Continue faithfully, day by day, in prayer, love and discipline.