7 Simple Ways to Teach Your Kid Self-Control

We all want our children to experience the blessing of self-control. Self-control is a blessing not only for our kids but also for those around our children.

Yet God did not design children’s brains to be able to practice self-control until about age 3. Even then, the part of the brain that controls self-control is not fully mature until the mid-20s. After that, we can all still struggle with it because of sin, which is why self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.

But that doesn’t mean we should just throw our hands in the air and give up. We can still teach our kids to practice self-control. Here are seven simple ways to teach your kid self-control to help create fertile soil for the Spirit.

1.     Model

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.” Galatians 6:1 NIV

If you are anything like me or the parents I work with, your children’s lack of self-control can put your self-control to the test, as well. That’s why it is so important for us to be intentional about practicing self-control in front of our children.

You know the saying, “More is caught than taught.” Modeling self-control is the best foundation for teaching our kids to practice it themselves. We can verbalize our struggles and model how we make better choices.

For example, you’ve had a piece of birthday cake and are satisfied. The cake is so good that you are considering a second piece. You might model out loud like this, “That cake is yummy. I kind of want another piece, but my tummy is full, and it will make me feel sick. I’m going to pass.”

2.     Do-Overs

“Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.” James 3:2 NLT

Allowing children do-overs—a second, third, or fourth chance—is a great way to support their self-control.

Do-overs are helpful because they help our children experience mercy, strengthen their brains, and make better choices. When children practice do-overs, they also grow in wisdom.

3.     Affirm It

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8 NLT

Self-control is a bit of an abstract concept, and kids are concrete thinkers. When we can begin to see and affirm self-control in our kids and others, it will help our children to recognize it as well.

In Them

We can build recognition and confidence in our children’s use of self-control by affirming it whenever we see it. As parents, it can be easy to focus on the times our children do not practice self-control, but let’s turn that on its head and live into Philippians 4:8. Notice and celebrate those self-control choices that are right, admirable, and worthy of praise.

In Others

It can also be helpful for your children when you recognize and affirm self-control in others. This could be other kids at the park or adults out and about.

This might look like telling stories in the parking lots, such as when someone spills their coffee, and they remain calm. “Wow, kids, did you see that man practice self-control? He spilled his coffee and remained so calm. I wonder what he might have been feeling and wanting to do. What do you think?

4.     Sing About It

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” Galatians 5:22-23 NLT

Songs are easy and fun ways to learn. They are also really helpful for us as parents when we feel frustrated by our children’s lack of self-control.

Practice these songs and others outside of moments where self-control is needed, and then you can gently and lightheartedly sing them during moments when kids might need reminding of self-control.

• The Cheeky Pandas – The Self-Control Song
• Uncle Charlie – The Fruit of the Spirit

5.     Read About It

“Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled.” Titus 2:6 NIV

Reading picture books is a great way to teach and discuss new skills. Below are two Christian and one secular picture book to help you and your kids discuss self-control.

• The King Who Found His Self-Control by Costi and Christyne Hinn
• Clark the Shark by Bruce Hale
• Count Yourself Calm: Taking BIG Feelings to a BIG God by Eliza Huie

6.     Play Games

“Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.” 2 Peter 1:5-7 NLT

Believe it or not, playing games like those listed below can help struggling children grow in self-control. Researchers Shauna Tominey and Megan McClelland tested this in 2009 and found improvements in children who had struggled with self-control and played these games consistently multiple times a week.

• Red Light, Green Light
• Freeze Dance
• Simon Says
• Role Plays

7.     Pray

“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” Ephesians 6:18 NIV

Last but certainly not least is to pray. Pray with your children for self-control, in and out of the moment, so it doesn’t feel shameful. You can also ask God in your prayers to help you and your children grow in self-control.

God is faithful in hearing us and responding wisely and generously.

Self-Control is Like a Muscle

Finally, as we seek to help our children grow in self-control, we can remember self-control is like a muscle. Children need to take breaks, and self-control isn’t unlimited.

Moving from highly structured activity to highly structured activity, no matter how fun, will be hard on their ability to practice self-control. Give them breaks and set them up to have safe places and times when they can relax.

What a gift for you to help your children learn and practice!