The Good, the Bad, and the Fruity: What’s Growing from Your Marriage?

Loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, self-controlled…

Would you describe yourself using any of these words?

Would your spouse describe you using any of these words?

No doubt you recognize these words as being the fruit of the Spirit as described in Galatians 5. Is this fruit evident in your life – particularly in your home and marriage? This environment is where we tend to be the most comfortable and where we tend to be the most free with our words and actions. We might not always be proud of our behavior at home, but it might be the most realistic picture of who we are.

How does this picture measure up to the image you would like to have, both at home and outside the home? Are you running low on the fruit of the Spirit? In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said, “A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit” (Matthew 7:18, NASB). That’s pretty straightforward. On a tree, fruit grows on the outside; it’s not hidden away inside the trunk or beneath its roots. Its fruit is evident… Our fruit is evident… And it shows itself through our thoughts, words, and actions.

Paul said that “the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these” (Galatians 5:19-21, NASB). This is obviously bad fruit.

If the list of the deeds of the flesh sounds more like us than the list of the fruit of the Spirit, it is time to examine our lives – “the trees” themselves. Galatians 5:16-18 says, “… walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law.” (NASB). If the Spirit is not part of the process, the tree will not produce good fruit.

In examining “the tree,” here are some questions we need to ask ourselves:

1. Am I walking by the Spirit, or am I carrying out whatever my flesh desires?

2. Am I living in ways that signify that the Spirit is leading me?

3. What does the fruit I am producing indicate about myself (“the tree”)?

Want to get really vulnerable? Now, ask your spouse to answer those questions about you. (Note: Your reactions to their answers will also be an indicator of the type of fruit you are producing.)

Now, take things a step further and ask this question: What kind of fruit is being produced through us as a married couple? If you aren’t sure how to measure this, here are some indicators that you are producing good fruit – the fruit of the Spirit – in your marriage.

Love

You want what is best for each other. You consider the other person’s needs before your own.

Joy

Even when going through difficult circumstances, you both choose to find contentment. Your deepest pleasure comes from Jesus.

Peace

You aren’t looking for opportunities to stir up conflict between you. Your desire is for unity.

Patience

Anger comes slowly. Tempers are kept at bay. There is a desire and willingness not to be easily irritated or annoyed.

Kindness

Looking for ways to help each other throughout everyday life is the norm. Consideration of how your own words, actions, and choices affect the other person is always on your mind.

Goodness

Motivated by God’s designs for how this life should be lived, you have high standards for yourselves as individuals and as a couple. You desire to live your lives differently than most people. As a couple, you are known for being honest, dependable, genuine, responsible, and generous.

Faithfulness

Your commitment to each other lasts a lifetime, but it is evidenced through millions of tiny moments, words, choices, and actions throughout the days and years. You make a daily decision to trust and to be trustworthy. Your loyalty to each other is unwavering.

Gentleness

Words are not harsh, touches are not aggressive, and demands are neither made nor necessary. Compassion, humility, care, and respect flow easily.

Self-Control

Words, actions, thoughts, and desires are restrained when they need to be. You think before you speak; you pause before you respond. You make a habit of “taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5, NASB). And you each remember that you can only control yourself.

If you aren’t seeing these things in your marriage, take steps to make some changes. Start by asking the Spirit to show each of you where you have been at fault or a hindrance to growth. Our God desires to bring about change and growth within us. He is the Source of all that is good, and He says that if we seek Him, we will find Him. If we ask, He will answer. As a couple, come before Him and ask Him to bring about good fruit in your marriage.

There are additional steps you can take to help bring about growth and change. Go on regular date nights. Read the Bible together. Worship together with your church family. Find ways to serve your neighbors together. Go to marriage conferences and retreats. Listen to podcasts that help build strong marriages. Read good books and articles on Christian marriage. (Remember to ask the Spirit to help you discern which conferences, podcasts, books, and articles are actually biblical and good.) Look for small habits you can incorporate into your daily lives that can bring about big changes in how you communicate with or treat each other.

Lastly, seek wise counsel. Ask people you respect and who know both of you well to speak about what they observe in your relationship. Look for at least one couple who is a few steps ahead of you in life and whose marriage you admire, and ask them to share with you what they’ve learned over the years. Meet with them more than once! And make it a habit to spend time with other couples who desire to have marriages that bring glory to God. The environment makes a difference for growth.

A good marriage that produces good fruit only happens when the two individuals are both being led by the Spirit. It is a partnership, and it is a process that requires hard work, dedication, and time. All fruit trees must be pruned and cultivated in order to produce abundant fruit. But the results are oh so sweet!