Rebuilding Trust: Securing a Solid Foundation in Marriage

Christian missionary and author Elisabeth Elliot used to say, “You marry a sinner. There is no one else to marry.”

What she was referring to is the fact that our spouses will let us down, they will make mistakes, and there will be sin present in a marriage. Sometimes, that leads to situations that hurt and shatter our trust in our spouse.

However, God is in the business of redemption. Broken trust does not have to be the end of the story or the marriage. Scripture is filled with wisdom on how to deal with those who sin against us and how to repair relationships.

Look at Yourself

Looking at yourself may seem counterintuitive.

It was the other person who did something wrong, after all. But we need to look to our hearts and say as David did in Psalm 139:23-24 (KJV), “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me.” This helps us remember that we are also sinners.

Elisabeth Elliot always made sure to follow her statement up with the reminder that our spouses married sinners as well.

When we look at our planks, we are reminded to offer mercy, to feel forgiven, and to experience the grace of God, which forgets and banishes our sins.

This self-focus can grant us perspective on the hurts received by another and can pave the way for restoration.

Look at Your Spouse

Scripture talks a lot about our thoughts and the importance of controlling them. 2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV) suggests taking “every thought captive.”

When a spouse has wronged us, and we are afraid to trust them again, we have to be continually careful of our thoughts. We should be mindful of thoughts such as, “Well, they did it once so that they will do it again.” While they seem fair, they are not necessarily true, and God’s Word admonishes us to focus on what is true. If we focus on the negatives and the mistakes, it will be hard to view our partner with positive eyes.

It is important to acknowledge the good qualities and the steps in the right direction rather than hyper-fixating on the mistake. If we don’t, the relationship will remain stunted in the past and forever defined by one moment in time.

Look at Scripture

The Bible gives many practical steps for restoration in the church, and these can be applied to marriage as well.

First and foremost, we must acknowledge the biblical truth that people can change with the power of Christ. Broken trust does not have to mean a broken future. We must trust that God can change and make our spouse trustworthy.

Scripture also outlines what to do when someone hurts us. We go to the person to discuss the issue. If necessary, we go back with another person in order to reveal their sin.

This is accountability.

Then, if necessary, you go to the church. This step might involve biblical counseling. The goal is to allow our spouse to repent, which leads to renewal.

Look to Someone Else

God lives in community, and He designed us as well. If you are struggling to rebuild trust in your marriage, don’t hesitate to seek biblical help. You might seek out a trusted family member or friend who will point you to God’s Word.

Having outside help can also increase accountability, which helps you practice trusting again. A counselor can help with a plan and tangible steps and changes to make in your marriage that will allow you to feel safe.

The most important thing to remember is that putting your trust in Jesus is always the first step to trusting others. Believe that he can restore any relationship and that He can change your wary heart to a trusting one.

Seek to focus on Jesus with your spouse. Read together, pray together, and share your fears and temptations. This openness before Christ and one another will tear down walls and allow you to see into each other’s hearts and minds rather than keeping your intimate thoughts and feelings separate.

The closer you both are to Jesus, the closer you will be together.