How Well Do You Know Your Spouse?

My husband and I have had the opportunity to go on several cruises over the years, and one of the typical activities for entertainment during the week is a live version of “The Newlywed Game.” The cruise director finds three couples in the audience to be the contestants: a couple who’s been married the shortest time, a couple who’s been married the longest time, and a couple who falls somewhere in between these two. It’s pretty amusing and somewhat insightful to watch as the participants attempt to predict their spouses’ answers to a variety of questions about things like their first date, their favorite feature in their spouse, or how they’d rate their first kiss.

During the game, at least one person is usually surprised by their spouse’s prediction. Sometimes, the incorrect answer is due to a lack of memory; sometimes, it’s due to a lack of really knowing the other person. Sometimes, the contradiction is funny, but sometimes, you can see that one is hurt that the other didn’t know the correct answer.

To be fully known and truly loved is an innate desire within us.

I love watching couples who have been married for 50+ years play “The Newlywed Game” because they are so comfortable and familiar with each other. They know each other well. There tends to be a sweetness and sense of humor between them, too, which likely helped them reach those 50+ years together.

But guess what? You don’t have to be married 50+ years before you feel like you know your spouse really well! And no matter how long a couple has been married, there is always more to learn about each other. We all grow and change over the years, so we will only know some things about our spouses. To love our spouses well, we need to continually study them and look for ways to get to know them better all the time. Some of the ways we can do this are by observing, listening, and asking questions.

Observe

How well do you know your spouse? Do you know their likes and dislikes? What are their favorite movies or TV shows? Favorite colors? Foods? Music? Sports teams? Restaurants? Styles? Hobbies or ways to spend downtime? What makes them smile? What do they get excited about? These might seem like pretty basic questions, but if you don’t know the answers, you’ve got some learning to do.

Then there are the deeper observations. Do you know your spouse’s love language? What about their arguing style or steps that help them work toward reconciliation when you disagree? Are they naturally introverted or extroverted, and what does that mean for them (and, therefore, you)? What makes them feel afraid or worried? What causes are they passionate about? What brings them joy? What are their hopes for the future? These kinds of questions probably require more depth and time to observe for the answers. The answers might morph over the years, which is why it is so important to continually study your spouse so that you can know them well.

Listen

When your spouse is speaking, whether to you or others, how well do you listen? Good communication is just as much about listening as it is about speaking. James 1:19 (a great verse to post on your mirror) reminds us that we need to “be quick to listen, slow to speak.” We can’t learn from or about someone else if we don’t ever listen to them. Do you and your spouse routinely spend intentional time talking with each other? I mean beyond talking about work, schedules, and parenting. Do you still desire to get to know each other like you did in your early days of dating?

When my husband and I first started dating, I wondered if we might run out of things to talk about since he and I were both fairly shy people. Well, we’ve been married for 26 years now, and it hasn’t happened yet, so I’m pretty hopeful that it won’t. I believe one of the strengths of our marriage is that both of us are usually good listeners. Caring about the thoughts and feelings of our spouses can be proven through being attentive listeners. Put down the phone. Turn off the TV. Close the book. Tell the kids to give you a few minutes alone. And give full attention to listening to the one you have committed to love for the rest of your life.

Ask Questions

We should never assume we know everything about our spouses. We learn things when we ask questions, and we should never stop asking questions that help us know each other better. Sometimes, our questions need to be specific, and sometimes, they need to be more open-ended, which can lead to deeper conversations. It doesn’t matter how the conversation begins or when or where it takes place. It doesn’t have to be while we’re sitting still, face to face, either. Great conversations can happen while riding in the car, going for a walk, working in the yard, or playing a game together. What matters is that we’re intentionally taking the time to have conversations with each other. The deeper topics are likely to rise to the surface the longer the conversation continues.

Not sure how to get a conversation going when the topics of jobs, money, calendars, and children are temporarily off-limits? Try some of these getting-to-know-you-better conversation starters:

• What do you remember most from elementary school?
• If you could go back and talk to your high school self, what would you say?
• Tell me about your best friend in third grade.
• Who did you most want to be like when you were young?
• Who were the three most influential people in your life when you were growing up?
• Who are the three most influential people in your life now?
• Tell me about your favorite pet when you were growing up.
• If you had $1,000 to spend solely on yourself, what would you do with it?
• When you were little, what did you imagine you’d be when you grew up?
• What hobby are you interested in but have never explored?
• What famous person (past or present) do you think you would enjoy spending time with?
• What country would you like to visit that you’ve never visited before?
• If you had unlimited time and resources, what issue or problem in the world would you most want to try to do something about?
• In what ways have you changed over the last ten years?
• Tell me something I don’t know about you.

Give some of these questions a shot and see where the conversations take you. You’ll probably learn a few things you didn’t know about each other!

In his book, The Meaning of Marriage, Timothy Keller says, “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

To be fully known and truly loved is an innate desire within us.

The better we know our spouses, the better we can love them. Let’s seek to be fully known and truly loved in our marriages and, therefore, glorify God through them.