Connect Four: Ways to Connect with Your Spouse Mentally, Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually

A triangle. That’s the shape of marriage that my husband and I were always taught to work toward. The two points on the base of the triangle represent each of us, and the point at the top represents God. So, ideally and visually, the two points are moving toward the top and each other simultaneously. In other words, as Kevin and I grow closer to God, we are at the same time growing closer to each other.

This illustration reminds me of what Jesus said to the Pharisees concerning marriage: “‘Haven’t you read,’ he replied, ‘that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6 NIV)

Two becoming one. That only happens slowly and accidentally. And I don’t think this is merely a physical metaphor, though that is a beautiful part of it. Two becoming one in marriage involves intentionality and purpose in many ways–four of them being mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When you faithfully connect with your spouse in these four ways–and as you both continue to seek to grow closer to God, your marriage will grow stronger. Not sure how to work toward these connections? Here are some practical ideas for you!

Mentally

• Eat at least some of your meals together face-to-face and talk to each other. No screens allowed at the table.
• Take a quiz on personality types, learning styles, or Enneagram numbers and talk about the similarities and differences in how you function as individuals. Then, talk about the ways you complement each other as a couple.
• Read a book together and discuss it.
• Work a puzzle or play a game together.
• Discuss movies, art, science, music, nature, or anything that you both enjoy talking about.
• Share interesting articles and talk about what you’re learning or questioning.
• Make short-term and long-term plans together–daily activities, meals, trips, anything!
• Plan and work on home or garden projects together.
• Dream together! Talk about things you’d like to do and become. Discuss how to turn these into reality.
• Problem-solve and make decisions together. Take the time to talk through issues and listen to each other’s perspectives.

Emotionally

• Look at old photos together and reminisce.
• Talk about your families and growing-up experiences.
• Find a T.V. show or YouTube channel that you both find funny. Watch it together and laugh together!
• Intentionally slow down, look at each other, and ask, “How are you?” Then, listen with undivided attention.
• Go on a date and force yourselves not to talk about work, finances, parenting, or to-do lists.
• As often as possible, go to bed at the same time together. This simple discipline can significantly increase levels of communication, stability, intimacy, and security.
• Occasionally, say, “Tell me something I don’t know about you,” as a way to continue learning about each other. It can be something big, tiny, old, new, serious, funny, or just interesting. If you’re having trouble thinking of something, narrow it down to a specific year or time of life. Pick something random, and you’ll be surprised at the stories that rise to the surface once you start talking!

Physically

• Go for a run, walk, or exercise together.
• Play pickleball, shoot basketball, or throw a frisbee together–something physically active and playful. Maybe even a little competitive.
• Work toward physical goals together.
• Flirt!
• Dance together.
• Hold hands.
• Start each morning with a hug.
• Touch each other throughout the day – a hand on the shoulder, a stroke of the hair, a gentle leaning in, a playful pat on the rear. These small expressions make significant impacts.
• Have a spontaneous make-out session!
• Find ways to spice things up in the bedroom.
• Actually, schedule and plan some of your times for physical intimacy together. Think, say, and do things that build up the anticipation of that time!

Spiritually

• Read a book of the Bible together and share what stands out to you. What are you learning? How are you challenged or encouraged by it?
• Listen to and sing along with worship music together at home or in the car.
• After a church service or small group gathering, keep talking with each other about what you are hearing and thinking.
• Ask how you can pray for each other. And actually do it.
• Tell each other what characteristics you observe in the other person that remind you of Jesus. We are all His image-bearers.
• Take a spiritual gifts inventory and encourage each other to utilize these gifts to serve the Lord. Describe how and when you have already seen each other use these gifts.
• Look for practical ways to love and serve your neighbors together.
• When you watch movies together, talk about the spiritual values, lessons, and metaphors you observe.
• Pray together daily.
• (P.S. Everything is spiritual.)

These lists are far from exhaustive, but they give you a place to start. You and your spouse can get creative and see what else you can add to these lists! But always, always at the top of the list: seek to grow closer to God. And the two will become one.